I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
