I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
