Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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