i don't like sucking hair
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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