you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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