Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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