got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
