im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
