ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
