Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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