he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
