Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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