we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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