So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
