Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
