Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
