note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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