I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
