Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
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I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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