My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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