I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
