just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
