Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
