if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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