There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
