I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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