I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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