Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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