Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
