Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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