I think im going to throw up on grandma
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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