I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
