So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
