i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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