ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Are my feet made of real feet?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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