you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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