Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
