He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
