I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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