The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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