Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
