I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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