we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
