i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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