Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
