I smell stomach acid.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
