So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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