DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
