Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
