I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
