can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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