i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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