why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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