Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
