i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
