I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
