So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
